I was reading through my bible this morning as little man was chomping away on his breakfast, french toast sticks to be exact. I was just reading through Psalms, just picking random Psalms to read, I haven’t really been following any specific devotional lately. I have a few on my phone, I just haven’t committed to anything yet. As I was reading through and smiling at my little guy, I realized how fast things go. It was like a wave hit me, and I flashed back to where I was 5 years ago to where I am today, and I was just immediately in awe of God and his plans for us.
5 years ago I was in a very toxic relationship with someone who never fully loved me for me. I didn’t love myself at that time, so it was pretty easy to manipulate me into thinking that this was all I deserved. After spending close to 7 years prior in a very abusive marriage, anyone who didn’t physically hurt me must be the bees knees, right? That is when I found out a lot about mental abuse, and how that is just as damaging to someone. Mental abuse has long term side affects, just like physical abuse can.
4 years ago I was pregnant, recently engaged to a man I had honestly just met. The thing with this man though, was he was different. He had this light about him, this calming but powerful existence that I had never really experienced before. I say now, it’s God’s light shining through him, but in reality, it’s just who he is. We were scared and the unknown was flowing through our veins. One thing we did know though, we were in love, and there was this immediate connection both of us felt that was telling us everything would be okay.
3 years ago, I was in a hospital room with our son. We had been there about 6 weeks now, and the days were getting long. This is when my true devotion to God started and also where our lives stopped. 5 days from this day, we would say goodbye to our first son. We were still hopeful at this point, exhausted, but hopeful. I had only left the hospital twice in the entire 7 weeks we were there, so I was extra exhausted. This moment though, this moment is one I try to hang really tight onto, because in this moment we still had our Nico.
2 years ago, married this time around, and pregnant again. We had just found out actually that our miracle would be healthy. God’s grace, faith, promises, all of it flew at us hard during this time. We had both just felt so defeated. I had felt so defeated in a different way. I had gone close to 25 weeks in pregnancy not even knowing if my son would survive. I put everything I had learned in the year since Nico passed in God, and he delivered us, a blessing.
1 year ago, I was back in the battle field with God. I was just not understanding where he wanted me to go. What he wanted me to do. I actually backed away from pretty much everything at this time. We had some personal issues going on within our family and I just needed a break. I stopped writing, I stopped painting, I cut friends and family out. I was still grieving hard. I was a new mom on top of those emotions, I was a new wife, and the world was just crushing me. It felt like anytime God gave me a little grace, he would just rip that carpet out from under me and send me back down to the floor.
That is how my life always seemed with God. Anytime he granted me a blessing, I gripped hard for the storm that was about to show up. The “To Good To Be True” mantra is strong in my mental conscious from just life’s adversities, and it is one that I still to this day struggle with.
Then there was today, I am back on my path. I am back on my faith. I am back to writing, and spreading his message. I am working on different projects that I am really excited to start sharing. I have a very supportive husband who is working literally his butt off providing for us so I can peruse these dreams. I have a beautiful toddler who drives me crazy 80% of the day, but is honestly God’s greatest gift. I have two pre-teen boys who also drive me crazy, but are the most amazing humans. I have a daughter who is becoming her own independent woman, and I have so much to be grateful for.
Isn’t it funny? What we are going through in the moment at the time seems like either the best, or worst thing that could ever happen. Then, as the years pass and time goes on those things honestly are just apart of our life’s journey. The path that he has set for us all along.
If you would of asked me 5 years ago, during probably my most darkest time, if I would be here, where I am today, I would of just laughed in your face. The thing is though, I had no trust in God. I had no faith in Him. I never prayed or went to church. I never studied his word, and I most definitely did not identify as a Christian. The more and more I opened up my life to him, the more and more his blessings became apparent. The more confident in myself I got. The more powerful I felt.
That is not to say God has not tested me even when I started to open up. That does not mean that I still do not grieve for my son every single day, and that I won’t every single day as long as I live. That does not mean that I don’t wonder off his path at times, and that I am the perfect Christian, very far from it. But, I am trying. That is all he asks of us, to try.
So today you may feel like you are just in a dark spot. That in this moment, in this time, God is testing you, or maybe you are just not even on good terms with Him at the moment. Let me tell you, 5 years from now, you are going to look back at this time, and thank him. If you let him work through you instead of you working against him, his blessings, and his miracles will show up. The burden will get lighter, the darkness will get brighter, the heartache will get easier, and you will be more powerful. That is a promise he has always given us. That no matter what we are going through, He is here to help us through it.
For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.
Think back of who the person you were 5 years ago, and then reflect on the person who you have become today. It is honestly an amazing reflection to do.